Black Knight, White Knight

Where is the voice of wisdom when it comes to my own path?
Why can't I help him.I feel him so strong most of the time, so angry, so tortured, so incapable if being the kind of friend, lover, and sounding board, he used to be with me. I was told that I never see two sides to anything, that I jump to conclusions and "only see my side of the page". I don't stop and think.

I am tyring so hard to hold on and remember in my heart of hearts who I am, and not to loose myself in the coldness that comes from the one I always thought I could count on.
Sometimes I feel myself start to slip, but I pull myself up by my boot straps and trudge on through another altercation.

I can feel him wanting to break me, I feel it strong, clawing at me when I fight against the persist ant attempt to swallow me up,he becomes angrier.
I feel this strong and furious, but I am guided by the lady of the lake and all of the princess's of Avalon.

I cling onto the knowledge that I am strong and even at times wise beyond my years.
Because of my ability to be empathic, I feel the fire that is burning from his eyes when
he looks at me and again tries to engulf my soul into his vial, angry pit. To do battle with the inner demon in him, is sometimes a long and painful experience, sometimes lasting even after all of the words of damnation and regret are said. Leaving me drained and speechless.

How do I speak words to a wall and be heard, I stop, and give him, what he thinks is the victory, the battle won, I have conceded. I have in his words "finally shut up"!
But you see, he has not really won the battle, but instead, he has slowly darkened and torn apart his only lifeline,and has more of a reason to hang onto the vileness that lies within him.

Not always was he this blackened soul, like a warlock. But even a warlock has his pride and boundaries , with these he knows he has steady ground.
But instead the black knight slowly sinks deeper into his own angry inner spirit.
At times I want to run. Find a higher ground or a darker cave, to hide from his continuous wrath.
I long to find and break out that shinning white knight that I used to feel.

When he spoke to me I felt uplifted and free, when he touched me I felt safe and secure.
He remembered and trusted in me. The real me, that could only be with him. I felt safe to be able to do so.
I miss him, I long for him, he who told me he loved me and I knew and trusted in that, it showed in his actions.I knew and felt that I was his muse, his inspiration to get through the day.

I try to find that white knight I dreamed about as a girl. As a woman, I thought I had found, after so many previous battles with the indignities that past partners had brought to my table,
my banquet table of life.

My banquet has become sparse and lean, there sits a vase of wilted roses where there used to be
a bouquet of crisp, scented roses.

Time has allowed my white knight to turn into the black knight, battling against me, instead pf waiting on the right side of me to make sure that I was not injured by the other forces of the black knighthood.
My beautiful white knight is gone and in his stead he leaves a wild animal, with whom I am not sure I can continue to stand my ground.

I live with the knowledge that weather I win or loose the battle, I fought with self pride and wisdom.

I feel as if I am grieving death, two actually, one for the man who I looked in his eyes, without a need for words, I knew he loved me, just the way I am. And for the impending death of the flame inside myself, praying to the gods or goddess that rule the earth, moon, sun, and stars, that I might be granted one more day before I realize that I must let go, for my own sanitys sake.

I know that I am worthy of being loved and cherished, or at least revered as a good woman.
He is able to make me wonder and doubt myself for a short time, each time finding it harder and harder to crawl on my hands and knees out of the damp, cold, lonely existence he knocks me into with his words of cruelty, followed by a cold toned, under lying anger and the empty words, "I love you" .... "But..."